Evangelion Still birth
by alexbrowntalk
Summary: Shinji struggles to find meaning in life, after the failed third inpact. (Chapter 5 now up.)
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Shinji had been having strange dreams recently. Dreams tied into his state of paranoia. He wasn't sure why he felt this way, but he was certain there was someone or something out to get him. Perhaps it was Nerv's secret service that wanted him dead. Or perhaps it was someone who lost a relative while he was battling the Angels. Nerv ex employes certainly had motive to finish him off, they might decide he knew too much, even though he always felt like he knew nothing at all.

Shinji sat up suddenly, and got off his futon. He tried to calm himself down. "I am unimportant. Why would anyone want me dead?" he muttered to himself. If Nerv wanted him dead, He guessed he would have been killed by now. They would certainly have gotten round to it before the organization was disbanded by the UN.

Ever since third impact failed, Shinji's life had become uneventful. He wasn't in contact with anyone whom he had befriended while piloting his Eva unit.

Asuka had been reborn into a more secure and confident person. She was more arrogant than ever, yet her arrogance came from a sense of sureness about herself. That meant, basically, that she had no need for Shinji or anyone else. She left Japan, not wanting anything more to do with Nerv. Last Shinji heard of her was that she had become some sort of a young guru figure.

Shinji sat down on the futon again, just thinking about life. Rei was missing. Gendo was missing, presumed dead. Misato-dead. Kaji-also dead. Kaworu was dead, and Ritsuko was dead. It seemed that everyone who had been killed before the failed third impact didn't come back to life. He wished Asuka had stayed dead, better she didnt come back to life, just so she could reject him.

Only the people who took part in the failed merging of humankind were returned to their former states. Shinji had no idea how it worked. Asuka had been the only exception. Shinji really had only two friends left. He couldn't bear to see Toji, and he didn't want to keep in contact with Kensuke in case he indirectly found out more about Toji.

Perhaps Toji was the one who wanted him dead. "Dont be paraniod," Shinji thought to himself. Shinji had no one, he was all alone. Misato had arranged for the apartment to pass on to him when she died. It had been nice of her to have had the foresight to arrange that. Yet he couldn't help wonder whether she did it because she cared or because she was tying up a loose end that her job required.

Shinji started to sweat, feeling anxious. 'Am I just a loose end?' He thought to himself. He told himself not to think like that. 'I am so unimportant that I think up fantasies where I am important, even if it's only important enough to be killed,' he told himself, trying to think logically.

Yet logic couldn't put his irrational brain at ease. Seele was bound to be still about. Nerv had to be disbanded for the public's sake, as there was no official point in its existence anymore. Seele still had to be about, though. Shinji never really got his head round the politics of the Nerv/Seele situation, yet even he knew that Nerv had too many resources to do away with completely. Whoever controlled the technology behind the Evangelions would have the power to run the world.

Shinji lay down back down on his futon. He knew he wouldn't be able to get sleep; he had too much to think about. Was he paranoid? What would Seele want with him, if anything at all? Perhaps he was lucky enough to be useful to them-then, maybe, they would let him live. Perhaps killing him would draw too much attention to Seele. Shinji had no idea what to think.

Shinji wiped the sweat off his forehead. It must've been really hot. The sweat was making his bed wet and sticky. He frowned, looking up at the ceiling. This place had too many memories. The only reason he stayed was the simple fact that he owned the place. He didn't want to go back to his teacher. He doubted he would be taken back by him anyway. Property values in this place were low-there was simply no demand to move into a city like this. A city associated with death and destruction; half of the city had been leveled. He couldn't sell it and expect to find a place somewhere else, in another city. In fact, he was sure he would have to pay someone to take it.

Ikairi groaned in frustration. He wanted to sleep so badly. Yet the more he wanted to sleep, the more he couldn't. And the more he couldn't sleep, the more he would think, which got him even more worried. And the more worried he got, the more he wanted to sleep. Perhaps being murdered would be a mercy. "Asuka, why did you leave me?" Shinji muttered to himself.

He started touching himself. It was more out of boredom than arousal. Shinji sighed-it was going to be a long night. He had a lot of time to kill. "Got to get out of this city," Shinji groaned. "Asuka... Misato, Kaworu," Shinji moaned out name after name, almost to test what would get him excited. "Rei!" Shinji suddenly stopped and sat up. He felt disgusted that he had thought of Rei, someone who was his reborn mother, yet he couldn't stop thinking about that time in her apartment. That time when he saw her naked, the time he touched her breas...

Shinji got dressed. He decided to go for a walk-anything to avoid thinking too much.

The walk wasn't helping him at all. He should've known it was a bad idea. He was thinking more than ever. Thoughts, endless thoughts about the city he had helped destroy. It was a ghost town, hardly anyone was here. There would be no rebirth for this city. "Still born..." Shinji muttered to himself as he walked. He remembered when this city had a crowded nightlife. Now there was hardly anyone about. The few people he did see, he had no idea what they were doing there. What reason would someone have to stay? Perhaps the same reason he had; they where trapped, just like him.

No one went into the centre of the city, there was nothing there at all. Everyone who stayed behind lived in the suburbs. Shinji had never really thought about the death count before, Nerv never made a point of telling him the details. They needed a stable, reliable pilot, not a guilt-ridden useless boy. Shinji felt like crying now, yet he couldn't, for he was in public.

He headed into a park, perhaps he could hide from the city there. He didnt want to return home. "Mustn't run away," he muttered to himself. The meaning of those words were long lost to him, yet he muttered them out of habit every now and then. He sat down on a park bench. If he looked down to the ground, he could avoid looking at the skyline. He could avoid looking at the ruined city.

He looked at his watch. 1:23 PM. He had hours to kill. Perhaps this was the best way to kill it, staring down at the ground... He wished he had brought his SDAT player with him.

"Hey kid. What's wrong?" a passer-by asked. Shinji just ignored him. "Hey, you! Shinji Ikari! Great job with the city, pal!" someone else snarled at him sarcastically. An hour had passed, and still he didn't leave the spot. He closed his eyes, wishing for all of this to just go away. He wished the third impact did happen. 'Only one life form can inherit the future,' Kaworu had told him.

He wished for any other future than this one. He wished to be anyone else but himself. Did Kaworu mean he would've become God? Or did he mean he would be stuck in a dead world alone, vulnerable as any other? "He died for a false hope. He neglected his will to live," Misato had told him on the night he murdered his only true love.

Shinji hated Misato for those words: "False hope. False hope." Shinji muttered to himself as he sat there. She was talking about him. If Kaworu had died for him, and that was a false hope, then Shinji really was the false hope she had been talking about. Yes, he was a false hope, a false future. She had only spoken the truth, yet he hated her for it. He hated her for not caring about him. He was merely a job, a task to her. He hated her for doing what anyone would do. Be indifferent to him.

His was less than that to his Father. He was something to be ignored, an object to be used. He was glad his Father was dead-he didn't have to see this, see Shinji like this.

'Inherit the future'. What future? Perhaps Kaworu hated him. Perhaps Kaworu had given him this future because he wanted to punish him. Kaworu-so wise and philosophical-wise enough to know when to bow out. Wise enough to pass the buck on to him. "Love you," Shinji muttered the words he never dared say to him while Kaworu was alive, meaningless words. He wasnt sure he truely felt them, perhaps he would of fallen in love with anyone who showed him affection that night.

Rei. Where are you? Life wasn't pleased just with giving him a father who loathed him; it had to bring back his mother in the form of an indifferent, cold person, too. Rei was gone, and she didn't care. "I need you," he muttered again to himself. He fooled himself into thinking she was starting to open up to him.

Asuka. Rejection. The memory Shinji didn't want to think about entered his mind again. "Shinji. I am sorry, but you're a loser. I am not saying this to boost my low self-esteem. I am beyond all that nonsense now," She rolled her eyes as she spoke.. "It's just that I am not going to spend the rest of my life here with you. Anyway, you're muttering on about this Kaworu in your sleep all the time. Why do you want me to live with you if you're in love with a dead angel? You know, I am sure there are still bars that cater to your sort, even in this mess of a city. There is a whole world out there waiting for me. Waiting for my wisdom." Asuka paused, then frowned evilly at Shinji. "Shinji, I have discovered the secret of life. Here's a little clue-you're not part of it." Those were the last words Shinji heard from Asuka. Then she left.

Shinji was shaking. His hands were clutching, almost squeezing his own head. Tears were running down his face. He had been sitting there for hours. It was now early in the morning. He wished he could stay there forever. He wasn't worthless, he was only insecure. He wished he could stay somewhere out of sight, at least. He couldn't stop thinking. He was trapped by his own thoughts. Yet he wished he could spare the rest of the world of his pitiable sight. He kept on telling himself that he deserved to be liked. Yet deep down he knew that was a lie.

"Shinji?" a familiar voice called out. Shinji ignored it, just like he did with all the other passers-by. A soft hand was placed on his shoulder. "Shinji? Please answer me. Believe it or not, I do know what you are going through." Shinji blinked, and looked up. It was Maya.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

How could she say such a thing? She couldn't possibly understand what he was going through. She couldn't understand what it was like to be him, to be so worthless and useless. There were times he wished people could really understand him, that he could take solace in people's false sympathy. "Misato, you were an expert in that," Shinji muttered to himself as he walked. Yet he was glad that he couldn't be understood and that he was fundamentally alone, as Kaworu once put it. The thought of someone else seeing into his pathetic mind scared him. He was glad he didn't believe in God. An omnipotent being who could pry into his mind wasn't something that comforted him.  
  
When they finally got back to her place, she offered him some tea to help him relax. She also said something about wanting to show him something. Shinji felt pitiful about the fact that he had appeared so wretched in public. He hated the fact that Maya had seen him like that, but perhaps he did it on purpose. Perhaps he showed himself off at his lowest in the hopes that he would get sympathy; why then did he feel so disgusted when he finally got it?  
  
He didn't notice what Maya was wearing until he sat down and watched her make him tea. It seemed as though Maya just threw on any old thing and left in a rush. Perhaps that's why she was out this late. She couldn't sleep, just like him. It must have been purely by mistake. Pretty, modest Maya. Yes, a mistake, but still... still the pink shirt she was wearing was almost see-through. Yes, she must have thrown on the lightest shirt possible because it was so hot. The same heat that stopped him from sleeping.  
  
Shinji was getting frustrated. What was the point of staring at something he could never have? He was only 14, while she was 24. The way he could see what bra she was wearing reminded him he was only a boy and she was a fully-matured woman. Shinji looked down to the floor to avoid staring. He felt so inadequate at times like this.  
  
Maya looked at Shinji in a concerned manner. She found Shinji's silence a cause for worry. She wasn't normally a talkative one herself, yet there was a strange intensity to Shinji's silence that she found disturbing. Shinji was somehow passive at the same time, however. She handed him his tea. When he refused to take it, she just placed it on the table with a sigh.  
  
"I got something for you, but first, I suppose I should tell you something."  
  
Shinji didn't reply, refusing to open his eyes. Maya blinked. Perhaps he wasn't interested? Well, that didn't matter, she had to tell someone. She kept those feelings bottled up far too long. "Shinji? I lost someone I loved, too. She was my closest friend."  
  
Shinji finally opened his eyes. Did he hear her say She? "Huh?" He soon shut them again. "Just put a shirt on please, quickly," Shinji whined. Maya blinked again. She looked down at what she was wearing. She blushed like mad when she realized how revealing her shirt was. She hoped no one noticed her while she was out walking. She went off to the bedroom and quickly put on another shirt on top of the one she was wearing.  
  
'Does she really think I care? I don't care about others. I'm selfish. I am a selfish, self-obsessed little boy,' Shinji thought to himself. Maya came back and sat down near Shinji. She thought that most boys would be happy to see a woman's body, so she found Shinji's reaction strange. 'Perhaps they were even closer than I thought they were,' she thought to herself.  
  
Maya sighed, pausing for a second. She found what she was about to say very difficult to come out with. "Um... I loved someone. I never got the chance to tell her." Shinji's ears almost perked hearing that. He felt interested now, even he couldn't be indifferent to that. "I miss her. I wish I told her how I felt. I loved Ritsuko Akagi." It seemed like she was about to break down crying. She didn't though. She held it in.  
  
Shinji thought that perhaps it was for the best that Maya had never revealed her feelings for Ritsuko. Ritsuko, who was obsessed with his father. Shinji wouldn't tell Maya about that side of her love-he would spare her. He also had to fight the urge of filing the thought of Maya and Ritsuko together as a masturbatory fantasy for later. "What does this have to do with me?" Shinji asked.  
  
Maya smiled a sad, faint smile at Shinji as they finally made eye contact. "You lost someone you cared about, too, didn't you?" Shinji closed his eyes and clenched his fist. "Did Misato tell you?" Shinji growled. Maya shook her head slowly. "No, but I heard your reaction when you found out he was an Angel. It wouldn't take a genius to figure it out. I was also told by Kaworu, in a way," she replied. Shinji jumped up onto his feet suddenly. "What do you mean?" he asked.  
  
"Kaworu left you something." Maya got up and went into the bedroom again. When she came back, she was holding a shoebox with a note stuck on top of it. Shinji snatched the note from Maya, almost tearing it in two in the process. He wanted to see what Kaworu left him so badly. Shinji read the note:  
  
'To Maya. Please give this note to Shinji. You are the only person I can trust to pass this on to him. I feel Shinji will need someone as compassionate as you to comfort him. And I don't mind sharing my feelings with you. I ask you not to look inside the box, for Shinji's sake.'  
  
Shinji opened the box and inside was a note. There was also a collection of SDAT tapes.  
  
'Dear Shinji,

If you get this note, it most likely means the human instrumentally project failed, or it didn't quite work out the way Seele planned. The Dead Sea scrolls are vague and can be interpreted in many different ways. Even one such as I cannot fully understand them. Hopefully my sacrifice wasn't in vain. In this box are tapes for you to listen, too. All the major works of Beethoven are in here.

I used to wonder what pain Beethoven went through. He was the perfect symbol of every man's isolation. Deaf, bitter, alone. Scared that the world passed him by. There was a time when his music was out of fashion. Italian comedic operas were the latest fad, yet, paradoxically, that's what made him strong. Perhaps it was the desire to communicate his feelings-a desire that drives all of mankind-that pushed him to such greatness. Or, perhaps, with his music he did what words couldn't do for him. There is such hope and strength in his music-the same hope that runs through my mind when I think of you. As I write this, we haven't even met yet, but I already love you. I have been watching you for a while now.  
  
Do not give up hope. Even if you fail in the struggle that is life. At least it's something-to feel hope, even if it's brief. Perhaps life is only lived for those brief moments of joy. Words fail me right now. I think that my feelings for you can only be expressed through music. My friendship for you transcends death.

PS: Be strong. I have faith in you. You will survive my death. Mankind has a future, thanks to you. Even if mankind squanders it, nothing can erase the gift you gave to it.

PSS: I think you're cute.'  
  
Shinji started sobbing quietly, yet there was a hint of sweetness to his melancholy. Perhaps he could finally put it all behind him. Maya placed a hand on his shoulder. Shinji went to pull away. "Perhaps you should spend the night? I mean, we are both lonely," Maya offered.

Shinji just nodded, wiping the tears away. "I'll take the sofa, right?"

"Actually, I was offering you the bed," Maya replied. She then blushed, realizing what that sounded like.

Shinji also blushed like mad in reply. "No thanks, the sofa will be fine."

Meanwhile, somewhere quite far away, or perhaps closer than Shinji realized, a voice boomed: "This wasn't what was promised," it roared. "This is just chaos. You promised unity, yet what we get is the rabble disunited," a Russian voice complained bitterly. "People no longer work to our schedule. The fabric of the very society we tried to save is collapsing," a voice with a European accent pointed out. "Oh, false prophet. How you have betrayed us," another voice accused.  
  
Seele no longer bothered with their illusions. This wasn't a dark room with holographic monoliths circling round a table. Keel Lorenz, head of SEELE, was sitting in a small white room, listening to the complaints of his fellow SEELE conspirators. He sat there to hear them out one at a time over a secure computer connection, but order was now lacking among the members of SEELE. They all seemed to be shouting and ranting at the same time. Keel could no longer make sense of them; he could only catch a vague threat from time to time. Finally, he had had enough.  
  
"Silence." The elder man stood up. The room fell silent. He adjusted the red visor that enabled him to see. Keel had clearly had enough. "You talk about the chaos of the rabble, when you're no better yourselves. We are mankind's shepherds. If we are to sooth the savage beast of the ignorant masses, we need to remain calm." He paused, giving his audience time to reflect on his words-time to reflect on his authoritative manner.

"Yes, we have failed," he continued. "Perhaps we misunderstood the Dead Sea scrolls. Perhaps God has betrayed us. Perhaps, like a rotten jealous father he stopped his own children from achieving greatness that equaled his own. That shouldn't stop us from shaping the world into our liking. We put our misplaced faith into old religious texts; instead, we shall simply put our faith into the religion of science."  
  
The Russian voice replied cynically, "That is all very well and good, third impact may have failed, but something still happened; something that has affected the whole of mankind. There is mass religious hysteria around the world. Nations are threatening to splinter into smaller religious states that will be uncontrollable. I would rather see the Earth burn in the fires of a nuclear holocaust than see my nation slip out of my grip."  
  
Keel smirked evilly. "I feel the same way, but don't be so rash. Instead of fighting against this wave of religious fervor, we shall simply use it, for our own ends."  
  
"How can we? You said to put our faith in science."  
  
Keel's grin widened. "Don't you realize that thanks to our science we have the perfect tools to distract and control the masses?"  
  
The collective sigh of realization could be heard from all members of SEELE. "How can you ever forgive us for our lack of faith?" the Russian voice asked.  
  
"Don't worry, you're forgiven. We are a brotherhood with the same goals. Try to remain calm in future," Keel replied, but secretly he thought to himself: "You have all shown yourselves to be unreliable. My forgiveness only extends to a quick and painless death."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Shinji lay back on the sofa, still not able to sleep. For the first time ever since third impact, he was thinking about something other than his own personal problems. "I'm self-obsessed," the boy whispered to himself. It was strange how the world carried on like the third impact never happened. It was never mentioned in the media-not that he paid much attention to it recently.  
  
He was so glad that Asuka had come back to life, even though he never asked himself why until now. Why did Asuka come back when Gendo didn't? Everyone who had been murdered by the JSSDF had stayed dead, including Misato. 'That was an adult kiss, let's continue this when we get home'. Shinji tried not to think about those words of hers. Shinji tried not to think about his disappointment at the fact that he never got to continue. It was selfish of him to think that way, but he couldn't help but feel a twinge of excitement at the possibility every time he remembered that kiss. Even though Shinji realized that Misato only did that to snap him out of his depression. She couldn't have been truly interested in a child like him.  
  
Shinji sighed; his thoughts were getting side-tracked. 'Focus'. Shinji hadn't been paying much attention at the time, but he remembered the government announcement that all Evangelions would be destroyed. All technology that led to the Evangelions' creation would be suppressed. It would be illegal to do any more research into biological mechas. Japan would take the lead into banning the use of Eva technology, and would push to make it international law.  
  
Shinji couldn't quite bring himself to believe this. He wasn't an expert in politics but even he realized that Japan wouldn't give up the technology that now made it into a world superpower. America and Europe also had a stake in using the technology. Shinji sighed again-he would've normally go out walking so he could stop thinking, but at least now he was focused on something. It wasn't something he could do anything about, but it was better than thinking about his own problems. Yet Shinji still wanted to take his mind off things.  
  
Shinji reached for his SDAT player. He put in a tape labeled 'Beethoven's 4th Piano Concerto'. The first movement was unlike any other piece of classical music he had heard before. The way the piano introduced the music. The way the piano soloist didn't try to dazzle with his fancy virtuoso playing, instead weaving his music with a meditative quality. This was truly the music of freedom. There was even a bit that sounded somewhat like an ode to joy, which made Shinji think of Kaworu again. It wouldn't be the last time his handsome smiling face flashed through his mind.  
  
It was the second and third movement that Shinji found the most amazing. The orchestra blared in, sounding arrogant, angry, and regal. The piano didn't reply in kind; instead it chose to express itself in soft, gently-soothing tones. It was a duel that the piano would win. Eventually, the soloist soothed the orchestra. It was like a monster who had been tamed with a soft touch. The movement ended with the most beautiful musical poetry.  
  
Suddenly, without warning, the third movement kicked in, the orchestra starting off with a fanfare of hope. Shinji almost jumped in shock. What he just heard was perhaps the most perfect moment in music. His brain was almost buzzing. This was about triumph over despair, the meaning in this music couldn't be clearer. This was the most beautiful Rondo he had ever heard. His music teacher had mostly made him play Bach, which meant he never really had the chance to explore Beethoven before. Shinji stopped the tape as soon as the music finished. "Thank you, Kaworu," he muttered with a smile.

Shinji sat up. "Maya, are you awake?" he called out.

"Yes. I can't seem to sleep," she replied.

Shinji nodded, smiling. He was in a good mood thanks to Beethoven. To think music could make him feel that way. Perhaps if he never found happiness again, it would be worth it just to listen to that piece of music. Shinji then asked Maya, "Can you find out what's going on with the government for me?"

Maya sat up as well, now. "What do you mean?"

Shinji got up to his feet, yawning. "You know how you're a computer expert, right? Can you, like, hack things to find out what's going on?" Shinji asked.

"Urm... Shinji, that is illegal, you know." Maya had no idea what brought this on. Normally, Shinji seemed to deal with life by being passive. Then again, she never really got to know him that well. "Yeah, I know, but I just want to know what's going on. I am sick of being in the dark. How am I supposed to cope with life if I don't even know anything? I want to know what happened to the Evas, to NERV and SEELE. Also, there are many more things I need to know."  
  
Maya smiled, glad that Shinji was showing an interest in something. "You know, I haven't been paying too much attention to the outside world either..." Maya paused to think. "Shinji, do you still go to school?" she asked.

"No," Shinji replied bluntly, not wanting to explain why.

"I won't push you on your reasons, but I tell you what: if you promise to let me teach you all I know about computers, I will grant you your request." The young boy nodded, accepting the offer, "Alright." Maya smiled and appeared to consider something for a moment before asking, "Shinji? Can I ask you a favour now?"

"Sure," Shinji replied without thinking.

"Can you move in with me permanently?"

Shinji blushed slightly. "Well... urm... er..." he stuttered.

"What's wrong? Don't you want to live with someone? I need your company. I need you, Shinji. I am sick of living alone." Maya also felt herself begin to blush as she explained her reasons. She normally wasn't so blunt, but she decided never to keep her feelings bottled up ever again. She had never been so open with anyone before.

Shinji's blush turned even redder. "Maya, no one has ever said that to me before. No one has ever asked me to stay with them simply for my company. Misato just had a use for me; I doubt she would have had me move in with her otherwise." Was it his positive frame of mind that has lead to this? Shinji couldn't believe he had been so depressed only a few hours ago. "Urm... but it isn't that. Don't you have... maybe...?" Shinji stuttered again.

Maya blinked, wondering what was causing Shinji to act so awkwardly. "Come on, Shinji, spit it out," she said, wondering what was on his mind.

"Don't you have... like... I mean, aren't you going to have... Well, the thing is, you might have lady friends come r-round?" he asked, just about managing to finish one of the hardest sentences he ever had to tackle in his life.

Maya couldn't help but giggle softly. "Perhaps, but aren't you going to invite any boys round?"

Shinji blushed yet again. "NO! I think I like girls mostly. K-Kaworu was just different, ok?" Shinji snapped, at which Maya replied teasingly, "Mostly?" She never realized how easy it was to provoke Shinji. In fact, she couldn't imagine herself trying to tease anyone, never mind succeeding. She was going to have a lot of fun living with Ikari, as well as getting to know him-he seemed like a nice boy.

Shinji lay down on the sofa, searching for another tape to play on his SDAT player. "I'm not talking to you anymore. You're such a tease," Shinji complained.

Shinji had been living with Maya for a few days now. It was certainly a very different experience compared to living with Misato. Shinji couldn't really think of any ulterior motive that Maya might have for wanting to live with him. Maya also seemed more sensitive than Misato ever was-at least she didn't lounge about drunk every other day. When Shinji got depressed, Maya didn't tell him to shape up or grow up, she offered her unconditional support. What felt strange to Shinji was the fact that Maya would seek out his company whenever he tried to hide away, to be alone.

Not walking around the house half-naked was a bonus too. He did sort of miss that, though. He had gotten to know Misato's body quite well-not that he was watching on purpose, it was Misato's fault in the first place.  
  
Shinji devoured the tapes Kaworu had left for him. Concertos, symphonies, chamber music, piano sonatas; the tape collection was almost the complete works of Beethoven. There were even a few recordings by Kaworu himself. Shinji sighed, realizing he had murdered a great talent. 'No, I mustn't think about that,' he thought to himself.  
  
Later Shinji started cooking while Maya was busy finding out what was going on in the world. They were both quite shocked at how much chaos there was. It seemed like all of these events had passed them both by. They had been too busy grieving lost friends.  
  
"Russia is in chaos! The Russian president has been assassinated and they're blaming religious fanatics. This is awful! Let's hope Japan doesn't get caught up in this," Maya called out to Shinji, reading from the headlines that were on the web.

Shinji sighed, nodding. "I think Japan is getting the worst of it though. Hoping for better won't change that," Shinji called back.  
  
If the nation of Japan was hit by the strongest religious fervor, Tokyo 3 was the eye of the storm. Countless cults sprung up all over the city. There could have been as many as 200 small sects all over the city. The only thing uniting them was the hatred they had for the government. It didn't help that the government was broadcasting anti-cult propaganda over the TV and radio. To those who weren't religious this didn't mean much. To the faithful, on the other side, it was the ultimate insult, proof that the government was evil.  
  
Shinji and Maya were both very lucky to live in the government-controlled part of the city. Maya was thankful she found Shinji when she did. It was clear he wouldn't have survived much longer outside of the area. She had quickly grown fond of the boy. He filled a gap in her life that had been empty for a very long time. She silently swore to herself that she would never abandon him, not while she was still alive. She hoped she would be able to protect him.  
  
Shinji finished cooking the egg and noodles. They were using their food supplies sparingly. They didn't know when the government would stop sending supplies to feed the civilian population in Tokyo 3. Shinji was sitting on the last of the money Misato gave to him in case they would ever need anything from the black market. "Come and get it!" Shinji called out as he served the food on two plates.  
  
Maya came in and sat at the table. "You should see some of the websites the cultists have put up. The stuff they put up there would be funny if it wasn't so serious. They really believe in whatever modern myths their leaders make up."

Shinji nodded as he sat down for dinner. They ate in silence. They soon finished their meal, as there wasn't that much to eat.  
  
Had Asuka gone to Germany to do that? No wonder she had left him. She was a well-known Eva pilot. She was bound to be able to impress the impressionable. He sort of wished he could join her cult.

Shinji sighed and got up to start the washing up. Noticing that Shinji was starting to feel down again, Maya felt somewhat worried. All this trouble was starting to press down on her as well. She thought of leaving Tokyo 3, but the outside world didn't seem to be much better.  
  
'I think a civil war is going to happen soon,' Shinji thought to himself. 'Will I be called on again to pilot Eva? I think that perhaps, in some strange way, I want to be a pilot again. I don't think I can stand being a powerless bystander for much longer.'  
  
Maya snuck up behind Shinji and placed a hand on his shoulder. Shinji jumped in shock, pulling away. There was a loud crash! Shinji looked down at the dish he just dropped, smashing it. "S-sorry," he muttered in apology.  
  
"No, it was my fault, I shouldn't have snuck up on you like that," Maya reassured Shinji. She had been trying to get close to Shinji for a while now. Each time he reacted the same way to her overtures. "Shinji, you don't need to be nervous around me."

Shinji felt himself start to blush. "Not nervous around you. Why would I be?" he replied. He went back to washing up, not saying another word. Maya sighed and went off to her room again. She wondered if she was trying to cling to him too hard.  
  
"I want to fuck you," Shinji muttered to himself as she walked away. "I want to fuck you. I want to fuck you. I want to fuck you. I want to fuck you," he chanted under his breath. He could never be happy with friendly intimate contact, and the odd snuggle every now and then could never satisfy him anymore.

Shinji finished the washing up. He stopped the chant, feeling disgusted with himself. He swore that Maya would never find out how he felt-about his desires, about the sick fantasies that flashed through his mind. It was times like this when he wished to be alone. He was frustrated; he didn't even dare masturbate with Maya in the same apartment. It had been days since he had pleased himself.  
  
Yet he couldn't go back to living on his own again, no matter what. It looked like he was stuck in-between many conflicting desires. "I am one fucked-up person," Shinji sighed as he reached for his SDAT player. Tonight he was going to listen to the 7th and 8th symphony for the first time. He pushed the table away into the corner and made his futon. This place was too cramped.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"You idiot! All you want to do is fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! You're no better than an animal! Well, at least an animal has the guts to indulge in its instincts," Asuka shouted at Shinji. Shinji couldn't see where the voice was coming from. He was lost and confused.  
  
"Asuka, where a-are you?" he called out.  
  
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! You really think she wants to sleep with you? I bet you do, don't you? I bet you think about it all the time! Yet you know you are nothing more than a boy. That's all you think about, you moron!" her voice taunted.  
  
"No! I don't just think about that! There is more to me, there is, I swear it!" Shinji shouted.  
  
"Yeah, you're right. I've completely forgotten about your desire to kill. You miss it, don't you, Shinji? Remember the 14th, Shinji? How alive you felt when you were destroying it? Eating it?"  
  
"Stop it! That wasn't me!"  
  
Asuka's laughter could be heard echoing in the darkness.  
  
"All you want to do is to fuck, eat, sleep and kill! You're nothing more than a suppressed animal! An animal in a Zoo! That Zoo is civilization. Don't worry, the Zoo is collapsing and all the animals are going on a rampage. A shame you're such a wimp! You're going to be on the lower end of the food chain. You're certainly no alpha male, that's for sure."  
  
"Shut up!" Shinji snarled. He looked about for Asuka. She sounded so near, yet she was nowhere to be seen. Where could she be hiding? All Shinji could see was the endless dark. Right now, he wanted to strangle the life out of her.  
  
"Unless..."  
  
Suddenly, out of nowhere, the Evangelion Unit 01 appeared. Shinji began to run towards the giant biomechanical beast.  
  
"Yes, that's right! Unless you can find your mummy again! Go back into her womb! Did you feel safe inside her? Doesn't matter how much blood you have spilt with that thing, you will still never be able to escape it!" Asuka's voice was getting more distant now.  
  
Shinji was still running towards the Unit 01, yet it wasn't getting any closer. He ran, and ran, and ran, yet he still couldn't cover the distance. The giant purple machine was only 100 yards away-it was so close yet still so far.  
  
"Thought you didn't want to pilot it anymore, Shinji? You sure changed your mind fast!" Asuka snorted.  
  
The Eva came to life and wrapped its large mechanical hands around Shinji, slowly starting to squeeze the life out of his adolescent body. Shinji choked and began to cough up blood, his spine stressing to the point of breaking. He was going to die just like Kaworu. It was a fitting end.  
  
Asuka could barely be heard now. "I think Eva 01 is sick of you, Shinji. Time to die!"  
  
Shinji woke up, screaming. Sweat was pouring down his face. "Argh!!!" he screamed.  
  
Maya came rushing in from her bedroom. "Are you ok?" she asked with a concerned look. She then smiled at Ikari to reassure him. "I think it was just a bad dream, right? You will be ok, won't you?" she asked. Shinji had to catch his breath before replying. "Yes. Sorry for waking you up."  
  
Maya shook her head softly. "Don't worry about it. It's the middle of the day, you slept in late. I was awake anyway." She placed a hand on his arm to comfort him.  
  
Shinji didn't dare look at her face, pulling his arm away from her soothing touch. He wanted to be comforted so badly-he wanted to be held, yet he couldn't bring himself to accept comfort from her. Also, Shinji quickly realized he had morning wood. He hid his lower body under his covers, hoping she wouldn't notice.  
  
Maya sighed. "Shinji, why do you pull back from me? What are you afraid of?"  
  
"Why do you want to touch me? Do you pity me or something?" Shinji replied, avoiding the question with two questions of his own.  
  
"Because I need to hold you. I have needs, too," Maya replied, blushing.  
  
Shinji blushed even redder than Maya, so he got up to leave. He turned away from Maya so she wouldn't see the tent in his underwear. "I think I am going out for a walk." This was too awkward for him to deal with. He just needed to get out, to have time to think. His mind was a mess. Maya had warned him to be careful, and it's not like he wasn't at risk battling the angels; the city couldn't be that dangerous after all.  
  
Shinji was walking the streets aimlessly. He noticed people paying extra attention to him-more attention than normal. He also noticed that the streets were getting busier. In fact, the city was returning to life, yet there was something disturbing about this, something that he couldn't quite put his finger on.  
  
Shinji decided to head to his old school, to see what state it was in. He didn't really expect to see anyone there. 'Perhaps the evacuated children will return someday,' Shinji thought to himself, ignoring the funny looks. Some of them were hostile, but most of them where just out of curiosity. Funny looks from funny people.  
  
His old school was in a government-controlled section of the city. He was sure it would be safe to go there.  
  
Shinji didn't expect anyone to be there, which made it all the more shocking to see that there were children playing there. Shinji didn't like the way they were staring at him. "Just like the adults," Shinji muttered. Kids of all ages, from toddlers to teenagers could be seen. Shinji didn't really feel like going in right now. Something about this place made him uneasy.  
  
As Shinji turned to walk off, he was stopped by an adult voice: "Halt, child." Shinji turned round to see who it was. It was a middle-aged man. He had grey balding hair and a grey beard on a thin-aged face. He was wearing a black suit, a lot like a Made man from a Mafia movie would wear, or one of NERV's intelligence agents. He didn't look the part certainly; he looked more like someone who should be running a grocery store. Shinji guessed he was one of the teachers here.  
  
"Are you lost, stranger? Are you lost and seeking help?" the man asked. Before Shinji could reply, the elder man offered, "We can educate you in the ways of the wise sensei. He is always willing to show those who are lost the light to the truth."  
  
"Urm... er..." was all that the confused Shinji could say in reply.  
  
"Where do you live? Where are your parents? Do you have parents? Have you ever pondered the meaning of life? Our sensei Arekkusu, in his endless benevolence offers his wisdom to all life in the universe. You shouldn't miss out on your education just because the government is too incompetent to get the schools running. Anyway, you don't want to go to any government-run school, they would simply try to brainwash you with their propaganda."  
  
The elder man was endless in his rants, speaking in a rapid never-ending mania. Shinji wasn't able to digest what he was telling him, he was talking so fast. "Urm... I have to go now. Sorry," Shinji said meekly.

"No, no, no. I would be failing Arekkusu if I were to let you go now. You're staying with us now. You're in safe hands, child."  
  
Upon hearing that, Shinji started to run. The man may have been middle-aged, but he was still faster than Shinji. He soon tackled the skinny boy down to the ground. "I'm afraid your judgment must be impaired if this is your reaction to our offer of sanctuary. You must spend time here to heal your mind."  
  
Shinji was too stunned to protest. Perhaps this was his punishment for refusing to comfort Maya, and now he would never see her again. Maybe that was for the best. Upon reaching that conclusion, Shinji didn't bother struggling, letting the older man take him.

"Let the boy go," a stern, authoritative voice commanded the middle-aged man. The middle-aged quickly did what he was told and fell down to his knees, cowering. "Please forgive me if I have made an error in my zeal to do your bidding. Your wisdom is truly beyond my or anyone else's interpretation. Your world is truly-"

"Yes, yes, that is quite enough," the other interrupted impatiently. "Run along now, you have classes to teach." The stern figure looked down at Shinji.  
  
He had long, dark-red hair that went down to his lower back in a ponytail. His thick eyebrows above piercing brown eyes gave him a look of wisdom. There was something about his gaze-Shinji found that he couldn't look him in the eyes for long. He was a young man in his prime mid-20s at the latest, yet he carried himself with such authority. He wore a simple dark-red kimono, a shade darker than his hair. Shinji couldn't help but glance at him every few seconds; there was something magnetic about this person. "What is your name, child?" he asked.  
  
"Sh-Shinji?" he replied so nervously that it almost seemed as if he wasn't sure.

"Come, Shinji. Stand up," the red-haired man told Shinji as he offered his hand to him. It was as if Shinji couldn't do anything else but obey, so Shinji took his hand. "Call me Arekkusu. You may also call me Sensei if you so wish it. Don't worry about my followers, they truly don't seem to understand the concept of free will. I have no need to force others to follow my teachings for my brilliance will dazzle all, converting them to the path of happiness." He gave Shinji a look, showing that he took himself dead seriously.  
  
Shinji couldn't help but take him seriously as well, even though he would have laughed was it anyone else saying those words. The things he was saying seemed ridiculous, but those eyes-those eyes couldn't lie. He was so sure of himself, so confident. Shinji couldn't bring himself to say a thing; he was in awe of his presence. He had a charisma he had never seen in anyone before. He still couldn't bring himself to make eye contact. The man's very posture seemed to have strength flowing through it.  
  
Shinji felt Arekkusu's fingers tickle his hand ever so softly. Was he moving them on purpose? Was he stroking his hand? Shinji blushed, realizing how long he had been holding his hand. He suddenly pulled his hand away. "I... I got to go now, sorry."  
  
Arekkusu smiled and nodded understandingly. "You will be back, won't you? I would very much like to see you again," he admitted.  
  
Shinji was taken by surprise at his words. "So... so you can show me the light and truth?" Shinji joked, trying to brush off his offer with humour.  
  
"Ah.... so you don't believe," Arekkusu said in a saddened tone of voice.

"Urm... Sorry," Shinji replied, bowing in an apology. "I'm just not a very religious person, that's all." He didn't want to upset this man. Glancing at Arekkusu one last time, Shinji walked off.  
  
Arekkusu watched as Shinji walked off. He said to himself with total confidence, "You will be back."  
  
Shinji headed home as quickly as he could without running. Maybe he wouldn't explore the city so much in the future. "Home. Where is home? Maya's place or Misato's old apartment?" He rushed straight back home, heading straight for Maya's apartment. He didn't want to give her any cause for worry. He didn't feel like exploring the city any longer. Maya's apartment was luckily in one of the areas of Tokyo 3 that had barely been affected by the battles with the angels.  
  
It seemed like your average urban area if you ignored the clear signs of destruction in the distance. It was a shame it didn't have average people to match. Everyone seemed to be going crazy, or was crazy already. Shinji sighed, letting himself in. Maya was sitting at the dinner table, drinking some tea.  
  
"Welcome back. Where have you been?" Maya asked.

"Out," Shinji replied shortly.

Maya looked at Shinji with a concerned look on her face. She noticed the fact that Shinji was covered in dirt. "What happened?" she asked, wondering if Shinji had gotten into a fight.  
  
Shinji had been so overwhelmed and distracted by Arekkusu, he hadn't even noticed the state he was in. He had totally forgotten what happened just before he met the Sensei. He didn't particularly feel like sharing what happened with Maya right now, so he decided to take a bath.  
  
Bath time was always the time when he thought too much, and this time he found himself thinking about Arekkusu. Shinji was sure he was imagining things. There was no way someone who was so amazing would rub his hand.

Finding he didn't particularly want to continue that train of thought, Shinji quickly washed himself, got out of the bath, and dried off. Maya was back on her computer to find out more information. Shinji was fine with that, he felt like being alone just then anyway. He had more tapes of Beethoven to listen to. Just as he started to listen to Beethoven's 5th piano concerto, Maya interrupted him. "Shinji, do you want to sit next to me while I use the computer?" she offered.  
  
Shinji sighed. "No, thank you. I don't think that would be appropriate."

Maya replied, "Why not?" before pausing to think. A smirk came over her face. She had studied Shinji's file back when she worked for NERV. She knew a fair bit about him-she knew exactly what to say. "Ok, I won't ask you. I am telling you to."

Shinji blinked slightly, taken back by this. He then nodded and got up to go to Maya's bedroom. He was her guest after all. He sat down on the floor, next to Maya's futon. "I thought I told you to sit down next to me? Not on the other side of the room."  
  
Shinji blushed a bit before obeying. Maya put her arm around Shinji, slowly, so he wouldn't pull away suddenly. She gently pulled him closer to her. However, Shinji didn't embrace her in return. He was totally passive. Maya sighed, letting go of him. "Don't worry, Shinji. You can go and listen to your tapes if you want."  
  
Shinji nodded in reply, muttering, "Sorry."

Maya smiled gently at him as she spoke. "Don't worry about it. If you ever want a cuddle, you know whom to come to."

Shinji nodded and got up to leave. "See you later." He was relieved, excited, confused and nervous all at the same time.  
  
'At least you're making progress!' Maya thought to herself, feeling slightly worried for Shinji. It wasn't healthy for him to be cooped up with her all the time. She wondered if, perhaps, it would be for the best if they found some way to leave this city. "Maybe I could work for the government. They must need someone with my talents."


	5. Chapter 5

The darkness was endless, echoing through the infinity. He was just a smart part of it, an insignificant speck of nothingness. His existence was an empty, shallow experience. "Anyone there?" he called out. There was no reply. No one cared, there was no one to give a damn. Shinji sobbed; he didn't like the darkness, he wished someone would at least brighten it a little bit for him.

He knew he didn't deserve other people's company. After all, he was just a worthless, useless kid. This blackness was his own personal hell. "Help me, someone," he muttered to himself. He didn't like other people anyway. They just expected him to do things for them, to be useful to them. He didn't want to be useful, yet it was the only way to get them to pay attention.

He started sobbing harder; he hated them all anyway! Tears of self pity were running down his face in a never ending stream. "Hate you. If you hate me, I'll hate you back," he called out.

"Pathetic! You're such a jumbled mess of conflicting desires and neuroses. Boo-hoo, what an idiot."

The voice was Asuka's. Shinji turned round to see who it was-it was Asuka in the flesh, wearing her old school uniform. Her eyes were a deep pale blue, they were beautiful even when scowling, yet Shinji couldn't bring himself to look at her. He couldn't stand her harsh judgment.

"Why do you act so pathetic? Is it some lame attempt to get some sympathy? Well it won't work, you loser. All you will get is my contempt," she told Shinji with a smirk. She seemed to take joy in belittling him.

"Please don't. Help me," he begged in reply.

"You're not listening, are you. You're such a passive wimp, but you know you can be pretty stubborn when you want to be. I've already told you: such pathetic tactics won't work with me. It also wont get you anywhere in life," Asuka continued in a cold tone. She then added, snorting, "No wonder my ego couldn't deal with you being a better pilot."

Shinji couldn't bring himself to say anything. He had no idea what to reply with anyway-after all, she was right. Asuka stood there, with her arms folded as if she was waiting for Shinji to speak. Shinji remembered how much he hated the blackness and the emptiness before, and found himself yearning for it again.

He finally spoke, asking in a whimpering manner, "Why do you hate me? Why are you being so cruel to me?"

Asuka's face softened and she sighed. "I am not Asuka. This is just a dream. I am the part of you that judges yourself too harshly. Yes, you're sometimes too hard on yourself, Shinji, but sometimes you have to tackle the root causes of your self loathing by yourself. You can't spend your whole life being passive, and doing nothing about it."

Shinji replied, "I am fucked up. I can't do anything right."

"No excuse not to try," Asuka retorted sternly. "You can either cry like a baby and do nothing, or you can be a man."

"I miss you, Asuka," Shinji said, finally looking up to face her.

"Yeah, you do, and perhaps you will never see me again. Or maybe you will, and then I will just laugh at you and belittle you, but you're not going to change anything by torturing yourself over it. Get over it already," she finished softly. Her voice wasn't harsh anymore, it had a sympathetic tone.

"I... I can't. Even if the memories of your rejection are painful, I still can't let go, they're all I've got. I got nothing without you," he explained.

Asuka sighed, rolling her eyes. "Pleeeease! Do you even realize how wretched that sounds? There are a lot of things you are running away from, things that you need to deal with. Focus on them first." She placed her hand softly on his shoulder.

"Everyone hates me," Shinji whined.

"Nah, most people don't know you exist. That's the way it is for all of us, don't be so paranoid."

Asuka then kissed Shinji on the lips softly. He blushed, not expecting that. Without warning, Asuka started getting undressed. He couldn't believe it; Asuka didn't hate him, she actually wanted him... Perhaps this dream wasn't a nightmare after all.

He could feel his excitement starting to build, when suddenly-

"Wake up, Shinji."

Shinji Ikari woke with a start. "Bleh... What time is it?" he asked, rubbing his eyes.

"8 AM," Maya replied. Shinji could tell that Maya was cooking something by the delicious smell that was coming from the kitchen. "I think our sleeping habits are too strange, so from now on we are getting up early to cook breakfast. It'll be your turn to cook tomorrow," she told Shinji.

"Just great, perfect timing," Shinji complained. If only Maya had woken him up a few minutes later.


End file.
